My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
