Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize