awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
