If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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