Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
