I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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