mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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