Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
