you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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