I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
