i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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