Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
