Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
