the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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