found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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