im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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