Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
