just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
