We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
