I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
