So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
