I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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