You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
