i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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