Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
