At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
