my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
