My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
