Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
