I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
