You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
