Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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