i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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