i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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