You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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