so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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