Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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