I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just sucked dick on a ferry
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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