Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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