i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
