i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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