he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
