i think i have two assholes
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You don't make any sense
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