dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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