Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
