So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
