i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
