I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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