remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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