I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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