Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
