tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
