1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
