Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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