There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
