Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pants are for mortals
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
