He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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