I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
